Do you ever go through times where you think to yo…

Do you ever go through times where you think to yourself, “what am I doing?” I hate to laiden this post with my worrisome rants, but honestly, I am just uncertain of present situations. First off, I am having one of those weeks where I want to transfer out from SBU. And more, I have been looking on-line at different Universities. Common sense though says to stay where I am at and finish up the remaining 1 1/2 half years. It would take a divine intervention for me to feel the call to transfer. Oddly, I do not have any real problems with SBU, but I realize that if I had the opportunity to do college over, I probably would not choose a Christian school. I wonder why I did not look more seriously at Mizzou, Saint Louis U, and Valparaiso. Again, I do not feel that SBU has caused me any problems nor do I have any hard feelings toward it. My time thus far at SBU has been beneficial though. I have great memories and have continued to make great friends. Sure enough, I love my degree program as well. I cannot really put my finger on the problem with SBU and Bolivar. Perhaps I feel rather disenfranchised and reluctant to my surroundings. Perhaps my lack of Church devotion in Bolivar is causing this. The second issue to bring up is spiritual formation. I have gotten to a point, where I feel as though I do not know where to go in my walk with Christ. Reading book after book is only good to a point, but nothing can replace life-giving and robust relationship with the creator. Third, my mind tends to question everything. With this, I have thought much about Church. First, I do not want to send the impression that I have the answer for today’s church. But honestly, why do we do what we do? I have the fear that most if not every Redford majoy that graduates from SBU will move on in their careers to a church that they had in their adolesence. It seems that our programs are only meant to maintain the status qou in church which in return offers little in ingenuity and creativity. Thank God for the people who actually are questioning and probing what the church looks like outside of the normal sunday and wednesday night models. And please notice the unfair labels we attach to certain “reformers.” I fear that in my complaints that I overgeneralize the church with the assumption that if there are not huge changes or huge victories, then subsequently there are no changes or victories at all. I do not mean to do this. I think most of all, I am harboring a lot of bitterness toward Bible-belt, conservative evangelical Christianity because I have been around it so much with regards to church, church camps, employment, environment, upbringing, friends, etc. I am looking for something, and I do not know what it is? This weekend, I prayed, “God, why do you have me somewhere where I feel unused, inadequate, bitter, and akward?”


1 Response to “Do you ever go through times where you think to yo…”

  1. 1 matt creath September 12, 2006 at 10:59 pm

    I wonder if Jesus felt this way the first 30 or so years of his life? I wonder if he felt usused, inadequate, bitter or awkward? He was God in the physical, but he was also human. He had emotions, etc. I appreciate this post, buddy. We need to chat soon.

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